Today, the 5th April, would have been my Dads 61st birthday.
Unfortunately he died when I was 17 of cancer.
This time last year I found myself very angry that my Dad had not been given the chance to celebrate the big 6-0 with us and there are other times in my life when that anger raises its ugly head with regards to how unlucky my Dad was to have his life cut short so soon and how much he missed out on.
The last few years have had major milestones in my life: getting married, getting pregnant, having a baby, and therefore the lack of my father in my life has been more noticeable to me. Due to him passing when I was still just a teen and my sister when she was just nine years old, he has not been able to witness things that Dad’s get to be proud of. For example, I know, for a fact, that my Dad would have been bursting with pride when my sister graduated with a degree in Law.
Most days go by and, although my Dad is never far from my thoughts, I get on with life and don’t feel sad about it. You can’t, can you? It’d be ridiculous if, nearly 14 years later, I was crying everyday from the loss of my Dad. However, every now and then, it catches me out! Like the day I got engaged, my new fiancé found me sobbing in the shower…not ideal when you’re supposed to be at your happiest. It had dawned on me that my Dad wouldn’t be able to walk me down the aisle. Something I had been aware of since he had died yet suddenly it became very real. Now I have my little boy there are days where I feel a physical pain because I so wish that I could see him sat on his Grandads knee, just once. I know he would be so incredibly in love with him and so proud to be his Grandad. I take comfort in the fact that my little boy looks like me and I look like my Dad therefore there are moments where he has a look of him and also sometimes my Uncle who passed just before he was born. These things make me happy and I look forward to telling him all about his Grandad, especially when we go to Canon Hall Farm to see the baby lambs around Easter, just like my dad did with me.
Cancer is a horrible, nasty thing and it makes me furious that so many people are affected by it. Quite simply, it’s not fair. My Dad didn’t get to walk me down the aisle, didn’t get to do a speech at my wedding, didn’t get to cuddle his first grandchild all because of Cancer. I’m not bitter. It’s life unfortunately.
If you are lucky enough to still have your Dad in your life: appreciate them, hug them, make memories and tell them you love them. You are so very lucky.
And so back to the topic of this post: HAPPY BIRTHDAY DAD! Wherever you may be. I hope that you are dancing on chairs to ABBA, that Nana has made you her famous Apple Pie (jealous!) and that Grandad Eric has his hearing aids in so you don’t have to shout at him. Love you. xxx